


the city in the moonlight

by februaryfridays



Series: alone together [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 1930s, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, dumbass!Steve, steve is so oblivious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 11:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18737986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/februaryfridays/pseuds/februaryfridays
Summary: In the winter of 1934, Bucky discovered love.It wasn't beautiful or poetic, and it felt more like an ache than anything else. An ache that can only come from wanting someone he couldn't have. But everything happens for a reason, right?





	the city in the moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> hi! just a heads up, this story briefly contains some period-typical (internalised) homophobia, and includes slurs (f*****, q****) just in case anybody is sensitive to that! 
> 
> i hope y'all enjoy xoxo

Friendships are an exciting thing. For most of us, there’s nothing more exciting than finding somebody who makes you the best person that you can be, somebody who you can trust, somebody who doesn’t care if you’re laughing, crying, sick, mad. Sometimes it’s more complicated than that.

Sometimes it isn’t easy to keep it up, no matter how much you want to, because sometimes it’s hard not to throw love into the equation. Once that dull ache first creeps in, it’s pretty damn hard to ignore. In the winter of 1934, Bucky discovered love. 

It wasn’t a sudden realisation, though it wasn’t a long process by any means. It wasn’t beautiful or poetic, either, how with every passing day, he would understand more and more why his heart sped up sometimes when Steve leaned into his side. To make matters worse, Steve was all that Bucky had ever known. He’d lived his childhood secure in the understanding that pals  _ do  _ hold hands during the scary parts of the movie, and that  _ everyone  _ blushes after crushing hugs. 

It was a childish hope mixed with foolish naivety that had Bucky holding on to the whim that one day, Steve could love him back. Maybe the hope could only get him so far.

“Steve, can I just.. Say something?” Bucky asked tentatively, and regretted it the moment he’d said it. The two of them were sat on the fire escape, passing a cigarette back and forth. 

“Go ahead,” Steve choked through the smoke. Bucky had told him a thousand times that they weren’t good for his lungs, but Steve would never listen. 

“Y’know how I went to the dance with Betsy Wilson before Christmas?” Steve nodded, already looking bored. As happy as he was for Bucky and his luck with the girls, he’d heard it all already.  _ Jenny this, Dorothy that, did I tell you about Paula? _ It got tiring after a while. “So I uh- I wasn’t really into it, y’know?”

“Are you trying to set me up with her, because that’s a no-go from me. She hates me, I think, after I dragged you home away from that double date because I had an asthma attack, and-” 

“No, no. I mean. I was just gonna say that… I don’t know if dating is for me, y’know? I’m never too thrilled about any of the girls I go out with.” Bucky said, crushing the cigarette against the bricks and dropping it over the ledge. He kept his eyes fixed on the horizon. 

“Well, you probably just ain’t found the right girl yet. You’re only seventeen, and there’s more fish in the sea.” 

“No, I mean. I don’t know how you’re supposed to feel when you date someone, but that’s it- that’s the problem. I never felt  _ anything  _ for any of those ladies. Does that make me a bad person?”

Of course not, Buck.  _ No _ . You can’t help what you feel.” Steve elbowed Bucky gently and smiled. “One day, pal, you’re gonna find a girl who makes you feel everything. And she’ll be the luckiest lady in the goddamn world.” Bucky gave him a small smile.  _ Sure I will.  _

 

Two weeks had passed since their dreadful conversation, and Bucky was still fixated on how badly Steve had missed the point. Was there a way to spell it out without saying it? Did he even know what he was  _ trying  _ to spell out? 

Surely it could’ve been an easy conversation.  _ Steve, I wanna let you know that I don’t like girls and I much prefer boys. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna do anything, I promise. _

Huh. If only it were that easy. If only that was the truth. Could he promise,  _ really  _ promise that he wasn’t going to do anything? What would happen if he broke the promise? Would it be eleven years of friendship, the most important person in Bucky’s life, gone? And all because of a stupid crush. 

What was he thinking? Steve doesn’t need to know. He won’t. Ever. 

“Buck, y’know when you said about Betsy Wilson? And how you didn’t really  _ like  _ her, or any of the girls you went out with?” Bucky nodded, but he didn’t look in Steve’s direction. He didn’t move from where he was sat on the window sill, staring out of the window. He wasn’t sure if Steve had been drawing him or the skyline. “I just thought about that, and- you didn’t mean that you, uh, play for the other team? Right?” 

Bucky’s heart stopped and his jaw clenched. “No.  _ No,  _ God, no. What makes you think that?”

“I don’t know, it’s just. You know, it’s fine if you are. I don’t mind. You’re my best friend and nothing can change that, Bucky.” Bucky said nothing for a while, which was as good an answer as any. He kept his eyes fixed on the floor, not wanting to check Steve’s reaction, not wanting to do anything except leave. 

“I should go, it’s late and we got school tomorrow.” Bucky grabbed his coat and his shoes from the chair, making for the door before he’d even put them on. 

“Bucky, wait.” 

Bucky stopped, his hand on the door. He sighed and turned back around. 

“When have you ever ran from anything? Even when the big kids tried to pick a fight, you  _ never  _ ran, so why are you running from this?”

Bucky closed his eyes, then sighed again. “Nobody’s ever just  _ okay  _ with this, Steve. You’re either a faggot or you hate ‘em.” 

“Don’t say that.”

“What do you care? You’re normal, ain’t ya?”

“I don’t know. It isn’t a nice word, anyway, for anyone to say.” 

“You don’t _know_?”

“I never kissed anyone, did I? So I wouldn’t know,” Steve shrugged, seeming more nonchalant than Bucky would’ve expected. He’d been expecting punches and cursing, not this. Whatever this was. “How can _you_ be so sure, if you’ve never even kissed a boy?”

“Keep it down, your mom’s gonna hear.” Bucky whisper shouted, leaning back against the door. His exasperation was almost contagious. “I just  _ know,  _ okay? Sometimes you just know.” 

“What if we just- yeah? You can never be too sure.”

“I don’t know, Steve. That’s weird. You’re my best friend.” Bucky said, though what he meant to say was  _ yes absolutely  _ and also  _ this is not how this was supposed to happen but I’m going along with it anyway.  _ “If we never talk about this again.”

For the split second in which their lips were together, Bucky swore that he was falling. Falling in love or down a flight of stairs, either of the two were comparable to whatever he felt in that moment. 

“That do anything for ya?” Bucky asked, trying his best to form actual words around his initial panic. 

“No. No, I don’t think it did. And you?”

“Uh, I mean. Yes. Yes, kind of. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. It was a stupid idea. I gotta wash my hair so you’d better get going. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Steve said, opening the door and more or less shoo-ing Bucky out. 

The second that Bucky made it to his own home, the tears began and they didn’t stop. 

 

As promised, they didn’t talk about it again. Steve was beginning to make Bucky question whether anything had even happened at all between them, or if it was just some messed up fantasy that Bucky’s mind had concocted while he wasn’t looking. 

After Bucky had pulled himself together that night, he’d begun to accept that their friendship would never be the same. Steve would never want to cosy up with the only queer boy in school, and they’d never hold hands during the scary parts of the movie again. Steve deserved better than to be a pity friend for Bucky. 

But that isn’t quite how it happened. It managed to take Bucky by surprise every time Steve would hug him after a long weekend, throw an arm around him in photos, laugh into his shoulder. Nothing had to change now. 

_ Nothing _ . Much less the persistent heartache that remained, that grew harder to ignore with every passing day. It was hard to ignore, but he would have to do so until it decided to subside. 

 

Winter turned into spring turned into summer, and life felt kinder. Sure, Bucky was still quietly moping that his schoolboy crush was very much uninterested, and very much preferred to date girls; but when Steve met Lindy, she was all the more reason for Bucky to try and forget. 

“So I might be introducing her to my mom on Sunday, after Mass she might be comin’ round mine to meet the folks. Can you believe it, Buck? I’m bringing a girl home to meet my mom!” 

“That’s great, pal. I’m happy for ya. And for her, too, if she gets to try your mom’s Sunday roast.” Bucky was happy for Steve, he really was. It still counted as being happy if the happiness was more factory-manufactured than natural, though, right?

“And maybe we could go on double dates, like- I mean. Never mind. I don’t wanna make you-”

“It’s fine. I’d love to, if I can find a girl stupid enough to date me. It’s not exactly like I can take a fella out, now, is it?” Steve smiled in what he hoped was a sympathetic way, but he was just disguising the fact that he still didn’t know what to say about all of this. Despite what he’d always been taught, homosexuals didn’t bother Steve. If it was a sin, then they were pretty quiet about their sinning, all things considered, so he’d never really had it in him to be upset by them. So why was he so aware of Bucky, now? It was an effort not to shy away at every touch, but he’d been acting like everything was alright. Nothing was wrong. It  _ wasn’t  _ wrong, so why did it feel like it? 

Catholic guilt, maybe. Maybe Steve was so caught up with what was right and wrong that he’d lied to himself this whole time. Sure, girls were great, when they wanted to be around him, but  _ that  _ kiss simply wouldn’t let him be. That kiss,  _ that _ . He didn’t want to think about it now. 

“Yeah, I suppose. We’ll sort something out, yeah?”

 

As soon as Bucky had found  _ a girl stupid enough to date him _ , the four of them decided to go and catch a movie. Minimal talking and no eye contact, perfect. Bucky would be lying if he said that it didn’t make him just a  _ little  _ bit sick how Steve shared his popcorn with Lindy when she'd asked to - Steve had never shared his food with anyone but Bucky. Green was  _ not  _ a good colour on him.

Truth be told, as much as Bucky wanted to hate Lindy, he didn’t really have it in him. She was a sweet girl, if not a little ditzy, and she seemed to just want a good time. She didn’t mind that Steve was unpopular, and didn’t gravitate towards Bucky, like most girls in history had. (Clueless, clueless girls.) 

Throughout the evening, Steve and Bucky had barely had a chance to speak, which was probably for the best. That was, until Lindy had to run back into the movies when she forgot her purse there. She dragged Catherine along with her, and they skipped back down the street as the boys waited in the deserted parking lot. 

“So.. Catherine. She’s sweet.” Steve said, leaning back against the wall tiredly. Bucky knew that he’d rather be in bed right now, a record playing quietly as he sketched the city in the moonlight. 

“Yeah. Doesn’t talk much. I suppose I’m just used to your blabbermouth, though.” 

Steve laughed and shook his head. “Jerk.” 

“Punk. How’s things with Lindy?” 

“I-” Steve’s smile dropped as he realised that this was Bucky that he was talking to, Bucky that he had only lied to once in his life. “I don’t know if she’s having a good time. She doesn’t seem interested. It’s like she just wants to do coupley things like sharing milkshakes or whatever, but she never seems like she likes me.”

“I’m sorry ‘bout that, pal. Have you talked to her about it?”

“No, but I suppose that I’ll have to. Everything happens for a reason, though, right?”

“That’s a good way of looking at it.”

“No, I mean. Everything-” Steve lost his train of thought right there, focused on the shadowy face in front of him, the face that he’d shared so much of his life with and the face that he wanted so much more of. “Happens for a reason. I don’t know what the reason is, but…” 

This time when he kissed Bucky, neither of them ran away from it. Nothing could have pulled them away from each other in that moment; the world could be collapsing around them and they’d stay together for one last kiss in their final moments. 

Steve had to stand on his toes to reach, and held onto Bucky with the most gentle of touches, trying to memorise each and every feeling of this in case it would never happen again. Bucky’s mind blacked out, this time in a good way. And it was so, so good. He'd pictured this moment a million different times, and all of the fantasies added together couldn't have been better than this. It was perfect. 

The sound of footsteps round the corner pulled them away from whatever had just happened, and the girls re-appeared looking flushed. “What took ya so long?” Bucky asked, hoping that he didn’t sound as out of breath as he felt. The girls glanced over at each other and smiled, and Lindy shook her head. 

“Don’t worry ‘bout us. Cathy’s gonna walk me home, doll, so don’t you guys worry one bit, okay?” The two of them nodded, hugged the girls goodbye, and stood for a moment or two in the shadows. 

“So… Lindy, huh?” Bucky said, breaking the layer of silence between them.

Steve laughed loudly, pushing him away. “Forget Lindy. I’ll race you back to my place.” Steve challenged, with just a hint of that boyish grin on his face. 

“You’re on.” Bucky smiled, and he grabbed Steve’s hand and they  _ ran _ .

**Author's Note:**

> i'm in my stucky feels again  
> it's been over a year since i wrote stucky but i'm back and i'm having a blast
> 
> in conclusion: fuck endgame  
> if u leave a comment i will love u forever
> 
> come say hi on twitter: @dumbassphillie


End file.
